"Foul Mouth Gets ****ing Spirited Away"
A Flintloque Scenario by Tony Harwood
With an eye towards his retirement, Freddy comes up with a plan to supply homebrew rotgut to some local innkeepers, unaware that several large spanners loom large above his works - spanners in the form of Colonel Sim-San, the Temperance League, Catatonic religious heavies and, last and in many ways least, the Orc Camp Patrol...
Freddy was feeling particularly b****y pleased with himself and imagined counting and re-counting the ill-gotten profits from his latest cunning plan, counting them before they had actually made him one brass farthing! The plan was simple (and anyone who knows our ‘potty mouthed’ anti-hero will know that all Freddy’s plans are simple) Freddy’s posse would brew up some ‘rot-gut’ brandy (OK for the sake of accuracy, some ‘rot-gut’ spirit, OK, OK - some distilled compost peelings) and sell it to the ale houses and bordellos of the local town. The innkeepers, always on the lookout for some bargain booze, were only too pleased to pass-on the sub-standard grog to the unwitting soldiers and sailors of King Georgie Porgie’s Army of Albion, after all it all gets pissed away in the same ****inggutter, be itthree-starbrandy or rot-gut!
Freddy and his Posse - Freddy really liked this name for his group of retrogrades, he thought it sounded posh - had already smuggled two consignments of Rot-Gut out of camp which Freddy had been forced to supply free-of-charge to both ‘sweeten’ the untrusting innkeepers and prove the strength and quality of his home-brew. Tonight, if all went well, the third consignment would be shipped out and actually paid for in shining Algarvey gold. At this thought Freddy allowed himself a sneaky ****ingsmile.
Back at the headquarters of the Army of Albion, Colonel Sim-San was fuming. Reports had recently reached him that his own soldiers were smuggling illicit booze to those sub-Orc Goblins who had the audacity to call themselves allies.This very same illicit booze was causing issues with the Catatonic Church who, as every Gentile Orc knows, control ALL movement of wine, brandy and spirit in Algarvey - be it Communion or otherwise - as taking a small cut of the profits allowed them to fund certain necessary (and unrecorded) ‘church renovations’.
Sim-San had called his commissariat officers to a hastily convened meeting and through foaming lips he commanded (actually spat and dribbled) that all perpetrators should be caught and horse whipped within an inch of their lives to show the rest of his ill-bred soldiery that such conduct will not be tolerated. In a moment of complete madness Sim-San had made it clear that any Orc Officer involved in this illicit trafficking would be demoted to the ranks with all Grog rations suspended for a year. Many of the gathered Orc Officers were seen to turn green at the thought of losing their Grog rations – well greener than usual anyway.
Lady Margaret Sim-San (our Colonels somewhat busty and somewhat bullying wife) had also heard of this despicable plan to distil heathen brandy and allow it to be distributed to those innocent and child-like, green-skinned Algarvey Goblins. Margaret and her hastily formed Temperance Group had sworn to stop all such actions and after a couple of glasses of Gin & Tonic (not considered a Demon Drinke by Lady Margaret) had sworn to stop all smuggling - just as soon as they had finished off ‘one for the road’.
Freddy, my good reader, was totally unaware of these two threats to his planned retirement fund and had already put in place plans for the third shipment to be smuggled out of camp that very night and under the cover of darkness to the local village and the expectant innkeepers. He was also innocently (well, as innocently as our Freddy could be) unaware of the Catatonic Church’s actions concerning agroup of well-funded Goblin enforcers with Holy Orders were charged with bashing the living daylights out of anyone found smuggling spirits to the peaceful little parish in the valley.
Could it get any worse? Well of course it could! There were the Camp Patrols who were always looking for some poor Orc to bully and extort money from, you know what Orcs are like!
Freddy and seven of his posse were making their way out of camp, each taking a different path, all with one intention, to get their ‘Rot Gut’ brandy into town as soon and they could, get paid and with just the merest stop over at one of the local 'seamstress' unions, sneak back into camp before reveille.
Oh kind reader, can you begin to see the chaos that is about to unfold? Freddy and seven innocent smugglers being pursued by a Raving Mad Colonel and some Commissariat Officers worried sick that they are about to be demoted back to the ranks without a Grog ration. A group of inebriated ladies of the Temperance movement looking to show those ill educated Orcs the error of their ways with a stiff talking to (that if you were lucky would only last until sunrise). A group of Goblin thugs who were out to cause some Godly GBH and, of course finally, the forgotten Camp Patrol, who would have preferred to have been back in bed with a good book and a jug of ale. If I have forgotten anything, then now is the time to throw some random encounter into the mix! – Maybe a roaming Boar or a Group of Ferach Voltigers, who just happen to be in the area.
The Gaming Board
Setup a 60cm x 60cm skirmish board with the Orc camp to the centre and enough pieces of random terrain to look pretty. Remember that this scenario takes place at night and all visibility and movement is reduced (see Grapeshotte, p.21). However there should also be some rule for singing ladies – the several glasses of gin & tonic are beginning to have an effect on our Temperance league.
Freddy and his Posse. By now you should all know what to expect from this group of smugglers, criminals, womanisers and drunkards. For more background information try reading some of Freddy’s earlier adventures. (Note that younger or more sensitive readers should note that Freddy is a little uncouth!)
Sim-San, the (totally) mad as a march-hare Colonel who with fuming mouth is hell bent on capturing and horse-whipping these smugglers. His Commissariat Orc Officers should have enough of an incentive to vigorously pursue these Orcs. They do not want to miss out on their Grog.
Sim-San’s ultimate goal is to find and destroy the Spirit still.
Lady Margaret Sim-San and the ladies of the Temperance League, carefully threading their way through the long grass (and occasionally falling over) searching out lost souls to save and then preach to about the horrors of demon drink (once they finish their afternoon cocktails). A fate much worse than being beaten within an inch of life by Colonel Sim-San.
Catatonic Goblins with religious fever and orders from ‘The Church of Algarvey’ to beat the living daylights out of any smuggling Orcs they should find, after all The Catatonic Church has the God-given monopoly on communion wine and any other alcoholic beverages. They should also destroy any Rot Gut they find.
And Finally..... The Orc Camp Patrol, un-loved Orc Redcoats out on a cold dark night when they would much prefer to be in a warm bed with their cuddly teddy bears.
Freddy – Sneak out and try to get at least 5 barrels/jugs of Rot Gut to the innkeepers (to do this they must exit the board from any table edge).
Sim-San – Who Knows? Just make it up as you go along Colonel Sim-San has been doing the same for years. However his Commissariat should be suitably incentivised to succeed by being yelled at. If they could get one of the Orcs to talk and tell them where the still is hidden, they could even brew/distil their own Grog!
Lady Margaret Sim-San – Will want to be preaching to at least three ‘wayward’ Orcs before morning, if they can; A – stay awake, and B – stay on their feet. The ladies that is not the Orc soldiers. Any wounded or injured Orc Soldiers should be well-cared for by these well-meaning Ladies, cuddled and smothered by big-breasted She-Orcs - torture or ecstasy - you decide?
Catatonic Goblins – Ultimately these are simple folk (very simple folk) and want to give a good old fashioned beating to a couple of big bruising Orc Redcoats which should be enough to keep them happy, Ah simple little Algarvey Goblins, so easy to please. And don’t forget that they will destroy the Rot Gut maybe even set fire to the barrels (with disastrous consequences, I foresee exploding barrels).
Orc Patrol – I have to admit that these ‘camp’ soldiers just don’t have the heart for a good old fashioned fight and if approached with the right offer might just ‘turn a blind eye’ to any smuggling for a small cost – a barrel of Rot Gut might just be enough to do it!
All movement and visibility should be reduced by at least half. I imaged this scenario to be a multi-player encounter with each group given different objectives and motivation; however you could just as simply have Freddy play the umpire (the umpire controlling all other factions) or even use the solo rules.
The main objective, like all wargaming, is to have fun!
Alternative Game Rules aka Foul Mouth Freddy Chess
Yes, chess. I kid thee not...
You will need a traditional Chess board and a pack of cards;
8 Black Pawns – Freddy and his posse.
White Queen - Lady Margaret Sim-San
White King – Colonel Sim-San
White Bishop – Algarvey Goblins
White Castle – Camp Patrol
Sort out two packs of cards, one red, Hearts and Diamonds and the other black,Clubs and Spades to include all the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and Jacks.
Place the Chess board on the table and the King of Hearts along the top edge; place the King of Spades along the right hand side edge.
Place all the black pawns along the left hand side edge.
The object is to move the black pawns (Freddy and his posse) from the left hand side and exit the board on the right hand side. Each of the Pawns can choose which square he starts from; however you can never have more than one Orc on any one square.
Freddy and the Orcs have a maximum of four movements a turn - you can move any one Orc one, two or three squares each turn across the board (and towards the innkeepers). You cannot move any one Orc four squares in one turn.
When the Orcs have finished their moves, next comes Sim-San.
Take one card from the Red deck and read this number across the board and a card from the Black pile and read this down the board, place Sim-San (The King) on this square. If there is an Orc on this square or on any adjacent square (any of the eight squares around Sim-San) then this Orc is captured and removed from play.
The same rules apply for Lady Margaret Sim-San (the Queen), however the pawn is not removed but placed back at its starting point on the left of the board.
Then we have the Algarvey Goblins (the Bishop), and in this case the pawn is placed on its side (after a very thorough beating), if later a She-Orc of the temperance League should find this unfortunate Orc, then he is moved back to the starting point on the left of the board.
Lastly we have the Camp Patrol, if you are willing to barter with your Grog, you can achieve free passage across the board, but without your Grog. If for any reason you no longer have your Grog, then you are removed from play.
If at anytime you draw a Jack then you no longer have such a good view and your effectiveness is restricted to just five squares – the two to either side and the two, one above your square and one below. You will have to draw a second card from the pile to see where your character is to be placed.
If for any reason you draw two Jacks – then your effectiveness is reduced again to just the one square that you land on.
Cut up two pieces of green coloured card into a square that covers nine chess board squares, these are woods that should be placed on the gaming board at the beginning of play. One by the Orc player and the second by Sim-Sam. If any character is within these nine squares (the woods) then you can only use the above rules for the one square that the characters landed on and not the nine (or the five) – consider it reduced visibility.
You can also identify one of the black pawns as Freddy. Place a small sticker on the base of the pawn. Sim-San has an automatic win if he can capture Freddy.
How to Win
Orcs – Get at least five barrels of Grog across the board.
Sim-San – Capture at least three Orcs (see additional note for Freddy above).
Lady Margaret – Cuddle at least three Orcs.
Goblins – Beat up at least three Orcs.
Patrol –Bribe the Orcs and get at least three barrels of Grog by the end of the night.
Misunderstandings or queries; each player should draw a card and the player with the highest winning, a draw is a draw – so no action.
Once again, the objective is to have fun.
An Orcs in the Webbe Original! "Foul Mouth Gets ****ing Spirited Away" was written exclusively for Orcs in the Webbe's 2013 Advent Calendar and was first published on Tuesday 17th December 2013.
Foul Mouth Freddy has been a huge hit with Flintloque fans ever since he first appeared here on OITW a few years ago, he has had several adventures published here on OITW as well as some on Alternative Armies online content portal Barking Irons.
Foul Mouth Freddy Will Return in 2014*
* Even if he got shot to bits, Freddy's lucky like that...
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