"The League of Extra-Curricular-Not-So-Gentle-Beings"
A Flintloque Scenario by Tony Lee
Gobliana Joonz, El Lupe, Plunkorc and MacMean - An unlikely band of heroes who - through an equally unlikley set of circumstances - find themselves pitched against the evil Undead Liche Doktorov trying to prevent him from stealing a golden eagle from a private collection smothered with deadly traps (albeit so they can in fact steal it themselves).
The nights of Londinium were cold. Damned cold. In fact, if you asked anyone who was on the streets that particular night whether they were cold, they would tell you that yes, it was indeed cold. Well, that or they'd stab you. Or shoot you. Or just snap your neck like a twig. The people of Londinium weren't that fussed about how you died, especially on a cold, misty night like this.
And the two creatures who carefully made their way down the smog-filled alleys and passageways of the city knew this. And in a strange, twisted way it both excited and frightened them. Londinium after dark was a fearsome place. Only the worst came out to play when the sun went down. Which in a way was why these two characters in particular were out.
Londinium after dark was home to them.
‘Ach, it’s cold.’ The first of the two hissed, watching his breath turn to mist in front of his face as the cold air took his spoken words from him. A rat, his fur quivered as he shivered, pulling his overcoat closer to his neck as he glared at his companion. ‘Ye cannae tell me that your ballacks aren’t freezing!’
‘It’s not cold, MacMean.’ His companion, a large, fearsome looking Orc with a bandanna covering half his face replied. ‘And if you keep whinging about it, I’ll cut your ‘ballacks’ off.’
‘Plunkorc!’ MacMean replied, a mortified expression on his ratty face. ‘Ye never joke about another’s ballacks.’
‘We’re here.’ Plunkorc continued, ignoring MacMean’s testicular protestations. He looked up at the tall, dark building that they stood beside. ‘Are you sure that Lord Haversack gave us the right address? This doesn’t seem like your normal ‘member of the Gentry’ house, if you gather my thinking.’
MacMean simply shrugged. ‘It’s where we were sent.’ He replied. ‘So let’s do the jobbie and get oot o’ here.’ He waved at the door. ‘But we need tae pick the lock first.’
‘I got that.’ Plunkorc replied, ramming his steel-toecapped boot against the door, feeling it give under its weight as the door splintered inwards. ‘There. Door open.’
‘Ye bloody wee eejit.’ MacMean hissed as he entered the house. Plunkorc smiled.
‘Thankyou, MacMean.’ He replied with genuine gratitude. ‘You’re a real toff, you know?’
The house was large – museum sized large, and Plunkorc and MacMean stood in wonder in the hallway as they looked around the moonlit walls, staring up at a collection of paintings and statues that would make any Lord or Lady proud. But no sooner had they paused, than MacMean’s ears started to twitch.
‘Someone’s here.’ He whispered. Plunkorc looked to his friend and was about to reply when he heard a sharp, whip cracking sound to his left. Spinning around, bringing his fearsome blunderbuss to bear, he found himself facing another Orc, dressed in shades of brown and beige with a strange, floppy hat on his head.
‘Who is you?’ He asked. The stranger looked Plunkorc up and down for a moment before replying.
‘I might ask the same of you.’ He replied. ‘I am Professor Gobliana Joonz. I teach history.’ He looked a little sheepish as he continued. ‘And, like, break into tombs and nick stuff.’
‘Well, ye broke intae the wrong tomb today, ye Sassenach.’ MacMean hissed, bringing his musket around to point at the newcomer. ‘Time tae say goodbye –’ He stopped as a small throwing knife embedded itself into the wall beside him. Gobliana Joonz simply smiled; a wide, broken one on his Orcish face.
‘You didn’t think that I was alone, did you?’ He asked as a lithe, slim figure leaped from balcony to balcony above the three intruders, finally landing in front of them with a graceful flair.
‘An Elf.’ Plunkorc sighed. ‘I bloody hate Elves.’
The Elf was dressed all in black, and like Plunkorc with a black bandanna over his eyes. He had a slim, pointy sword in his hand, waving it around in front of him as if he was having some kind of fit.
‘I am El Lupe!’ He exclaimed triumphantly, making a right angle motion with his sword. Plunkorc scratched his head.
‘What are you doing?’ He asked, pointing at the sword. ‘That right angle thing. Have you got cramp?’
‘I am signing an ‘L’.’ El Lupe replied. ‘For Lupe. Who are you?’
‘Well, ‘L’ Lupe, I’m ‘P’ Plunkorc and this is ‘M’ MacMean.’ Plunkorc waved at his ratty companion. El Lupe sighed.
‘It isn’t ‘L’ Lupe – it’s El. E-L. As in ‘The.’’ He explained.
‘The Lupe?’ Gobliana Joonz turned to stare at his companion. ‘Really? Your parents named you ‘The’?’
‘It’s better than an Orc named ‘Gobliana’.’
‘My dog was called Gobliana!’
MacMean paused at this exchange and held up a hand. ‘Wait. You’re an Orc, named Gobliana after a dog?’ He shook his head. ‘That’s screwed up, sonny.’
‘So why are you here?’ El Lupe asked, trying to return the conversation on track. ‘We are here to steal back an item of my forefathers, the mystical Golden Eagle of Innun.’ He waved his sword in a jerky right angle again for emphasis.
‘Well then your four fathers are going to be annoyed then –’ Plunkorc replied casually. ‘Because that’s what we’re here to steal – and no poofter Elf and his racially-confused Orc chum is gonna stop us.’
Gobliana Joonz squared up to Plunkorc. ‘You’d better back off.’ He replied haughtily.
Plunkorc laughed. ‘Why, will the masked Tinkerbelle there beat the big bad widdle Orc up?’
They were cut off by a nasally voice from above them.
‘Oh good. People to kill.’
The new voice came as a surprise, mainly as it hadn’t been expected, and as we all know, when you don’t expect something it’s usually called a surprise.
Plunkorc, MacMean, Gobliana Joonz and El Lupe all spun to face the top of the red carpeted stairway in one almost choreographed moment of synchronicity, where there stood an old, shrivelled man. Wearing a long dark morning suit, he was bald and very very pale. He grinned at the four that stared up at him in a mixture of shock and surprise. That is, they stared at him in shock and surprise – he didn’t grin in shock and surprise, but you get what I’m saying.
‘I am Doktorov.’ He said. ‘I trust you have heard of me? It vould make things so much easier.’
Plunkorc looked to MacMean, who shrugged. El Lupe scratched his bandanna'd head. Gobliana Joonz picked his copious Orc nose.
‘That’s a no then chum.’ Plunkorc replied. ‘Why are you here, you shrivelled, prune-like oike?’
Doktorov laughed. ‘I am here for the Golden Eagle of Innun!’ He exclaimed. ‘Vith it I can use the mystical powers imbibed vithin to power my Graviski Veanimator!’ He started to stare off, glassy eyed as his wrinkled hands began to slowly rub at his black clad thighs.
‘And then the… mmm… Lady Vintermore… hrrrr…. She vill leave her husband and… ohhhh…’ He began, shutting his eyes as he started to arch his back, rubbing faster. Suddenly, as if realising where he was he stopped, and stared back at his four rivals.
‘You’re a wrong 'un, sonny.’ MacMean tapped his ratty skull. ‘Wrong in tha heed!’
‘And vhy shouldn’t I have vhat I vant?’ Dokotorov replied. ‘Vhy do you vant the Eagle?’
‘I want it to save my people from an ancient evil!’ El Lupe stepped forwards with an extravagant and rather camp flourish, swinging his blade in a right angle once more.
‘That idol belongs in a museum!’ Gobliana continued. ‘After of course my good friend El Lupe has used it, where I and selected guests – well, mainly just me – will stare at it at our leisure!’
Everyone looked expectantly at Plunkorc and MacMean.
Nothing happened some more.
‘Well?’ Enquired El Lupe.
‘Well what, you poofter little Elf boy?’ Plunkorc hissed.
‘Why do you want the Eagle?’
MacMean looked up to Plunkorc. Plunkorc looked down to MacMean. They both shifted uncomfortably where they stood. Eventually MacMean spoke.
‘We were, um, here to liberate it for Lord Haversack.’ He explained. ‘He – um, that is we heard that –‘
‘He likes eagles.’ Plunkorc finished. ‘And by that I mean he likes them. He likes them a lot. In fact he likes to strip naked and rub his –’
‘- I think we get the idea.’ interrupted El Lupe, raising his hand sharply to stop Plunkorc from continuing. ‘And this golden eagle was to be taken because…’
‘It was shiny.’
‘And gold is wipe clean.’
‘And ye cannae do better than that for a present for an eagle loving pervert, can ye?’
There was silence in the hallway for a moment. Nobody knew what to say.
Doktorov broke the stalemate, with a wave of his hand to unknown accomplices outside of the door, he stood to the side - and from behind him four misshapen, shuffling forms entered the entrance hall.
‘I am here for the Eagle. And I vill not allow you to take it. Or, should I say – my zombie troops von’t allow you to take it...’ He hissed.
MacMean turned to face El Lupe. ‘I don’t like you, what with you bein' a poofter, but I’d rather ye had the Eagle than Captain Undead there.’ He turned to Gobliana Joonz. ‘So. How about a team up?’
‘Why not?’ Gobliana replied nonchalantly. ‘He’s Undead. I hate them more than the Ferach.’
‘Right then.’ Plunkorc turned back to the shrivelled old man and his zombie soldiers. ‘You want the Eagle? You'll have to bloody fight us for it mate’.
There is no map for this scenario but you should setup (or draw out) a room about 36 squares long by 18 squares wide. There should be 3 doors equally spaced along both sides of the ground floor and 1 big door as the entrance to the hall.
The room also has a balcony. The balcony should be 3 squares wide and run around the entire length of the room on the second floor. It should have 1 door in the centre of each side.
There should be 8 normal glass cases in the hall and 1 at the far end containing the Eagle.
There are also 3 chandeliers, which don’t really need to be indicated if you don’t have the prop but they are above each grouping of 4 cases (see diagram below which kind of explains what’s going on).
There are quite a few special rules so please read through the rest of the scenario carefully before play. If there’s a rule you don’t like simply drop it. As with all games of this sort whilst the objective may seem to be to win, that’s not the case. The main objective of any game is for all involved to have fun.
The winner is the player who gets the Eagle outside the main door first. Despite the fact that the battle could clearly continue onto the streets of Londinium as a door being opened and used is not a magic portal, however as with all good pulp tales once someone is outside the door of the current film set you have to wait till the next act (usually the following Saturday morning) in the equally-dodgy-looking-but-no-doubt-expensive-to-build-back-then set.
Gobliana Joonz [Veteran Orc]
Bakur Rifle, Sword (+3)
Joonz carries a whip (see below).
Always seeking things to sell/melt down & sell/sleep with (or some combination of these), this Orc adventurer is always up for an adventure.
El Lupe [Legendary Dark Elf]
Saber (+2), Knife (+0), 2 Ferach Dueling Pistols
Lupe carries a whip (see below).
An expert swordsman El Lupe gets +2 in hand-to-hand combat when fighting with a sword.
The down-trodden peasants of El Dorado cried out for a hero to release them from their oppressors and their calls were answered. Known only as El Lupe (pronounced as lou-pay), this dashing, masked avenger rode forth to right the wrongs of the cruel Alcalde of Los Diablos.
Full rules and background for Plunkorc and MacMean can be found in Alternative Armies excellent rules supplement, 'The Rarest Tin'. Below I have summarised thier statistics but in 'The Rarest Tin' you can find additional rules for Plunkorc's alchemical flash powder and MacMean's lock picking and luck - along with rules and background for nearly fifty legends of Valon.
Plunkorc [Experienced Orc Guerilla]
Standard Blunderbuss, Knife
Plunkorc has an additional wound (giving him a total of 4).
MacMean [Experienced Lowland Rat Guerilla]
Rat Short Musket, A Knife
Doktorov and His Ghoulish Minions
Doctorov [Experienced Liche]
Standard Pistol, Sword
(Re-inforced by either of the following (ses Doktorov’s Minions below in the special rules section)
3 x Average Ghouls
Standard Musket, Bayonet
3 x Raw Ghouls
Standard Musket, Bayonet
Scenario Special Rules
Doktorov’s Minions: Each turn Doktorov has a chance that some of his loyal (well, loyal in a way only undead mindless slaves controlled by the willpower of someone else can be) minions will arrive to re-inforce his efforts. Roll 1D10 each turn and take away the number of minions currently in play. If the number is 5-8 he gets 3 x Raw Ghouls as above, if he gets 9-10 then he gets 3 x Average Ghouls as above. They can enter from any door.
Improbable Actions: The original 1995 release of Flintloque included this excellent little rule to cover jumps down gaping holes, leaping chasms and anything else not covered by the normal rules of play. For a character to perform an improbable action they must make a base percentile roll to succeed. If they fail, they suffer one Wound.
Raw Character 10%
Average Character 20%
Experienced Character 30%
Veteran Character 40%
Legendary Character 50%
Whip Crack Away: Joonz and El Lupe both have whips, which in this scenario means if they are below the balcony (or on the balcony) and can succeed in an Improbable Action they can use their move to go up (or down) a level respectively.
Falling: If a character looses a melee combat whilst standing on the balcony, the winning player can choose to ‘push back’ his opponent… over the railing of the balcony. The falling character is moved to the lower level and takes 2 Wounds. The only exception to this is El Lupe, who is a trained acrobat and does not take any damage from falling.
Traps: The owner of the house knows the value of his collection and has installed countless traps to deter the likes of Plunkorc and MacMean. Each turn a character enters one of the 8 squares around a display case, his player must roll 1D10, on a roll of 6 or more a trap goes off, bugger. The character must roll on the trap table. A 'hero' may try and dodge the trap by succeeding in an Improbable Action roll. If successful then move them one square in any valid direction (i.e. not occupied by someone or something). However, if it is onto one of other 7 squares surrounding the case this may then trigger another trap, repeat ad infinatum ;)
The Trap Table: Roll 1D10
1-2: Nothing seems to happen…
3-4: Gas Trap – All living on square take 1 Wound
5-6: Spike Trap – Anyone of the square takes 1 Wound
7-8: Pit Trap – Anyone takes 1 Wound and reappears next turn at a random door (yep, you’ve seen that Saturday morning serial too)
9-10: Subtle-Yet-Serious-Trap-That-No-One-Understands – The character on the trapped square is controlled by the other player next turn.
Smash and Grab: The normal cases themselves are locked and trapped (as mentioned above). They can be broken by anyone succeeding in a round of melee combat against the case (you still roll for the case but it counts as having a melee value of 0). It then takes an additional Special Action to retrieve the object in the case.Anyone standing on one of the 8 squares surrounding the glass case when it is attacked (if successful or not) must roll on the traps table immediately after the combat (this could mean a character could smash it and appear at a random door before being able to pick up the item). The squares around a case, once smashed, no longer require trap rolls to move through.
Softly, Softly: If anyone is pushed back into a case there is a 50/50 chance of them activating a trap (toss a coin or roll 1D10) setting off a trap, if this happens, yep you guessed it, roll on the traps table as normal. If it’s a hero they can try and dodge as normal.
Chandeliers: Any character can swing from one side’s balcony to the other if on the upper balcony and within 10cms of a chandelier by succeeding in an Improbable Action roll. El Lupe and Joonz get +10 as they are used to this kind of thing. Zombies get -10, they’re Zombies not Ninjas (Hmm… Zombie Ninjas). A failed roll means they fall and suffer the normal effects for falling mentioned above. Any successful character can also choose to stay there, hiding in the chandelier. Anyone firing at them gets a -10 penalty to firing, but in the same way they get a -10 penalty when firing too as the chandelier wobbles quite a lot. They cannot enter melee combat whilst on the chandelier, if a second character jumps onto the same chandelier the whole lot comes crashing down (see Only Fools and… below).
The Eagle's Glass Case: The main case is made of toughened glass and cannot be broken by normal means. It will take any 'hero' character 3 turns to open the case (any of the League or Doktorov himself). These are cumulative, so for example, Doktorov could do two turns and be interrupted and then MacMean could complete the third.
The Eagle: Being made of solid gold the Eagle is very heavy. Any character carrying it suffers a two column shift to movement i.e. moving at Double March means they actuially move at Slow March.
“That Belongs in a (Private) Museum”: After years of liberating artifacts Joonz can open any case instead of smashing it (except the Eagle’s case due to it’s tricky locking mechanism). If opened in this way roll 1D10, on a 10 the trap goes off as if smashed as Joonz buggered it up.
Only Fools and...: Any character that is armed with a bladed weapon who is on a chandelier can cut the rope holding it to the ceiling. The character must then succeed in an Improbable Action roll or fall with the chandelier taking full damage (even El Lupe). The chandelier does 3 wounds to anyone unlucky enough to be underneath it. It also smashes the four glass cases beneath. Anyone on a square surrounding them must roll on the traps table. The smashed cases no longer require trap rolls to move around.
The Exhibits: The owner has amassed quite a collection of artifacts on his travels. The eight cases contain:
An exquisite silver sword
A suit of plate armour
A pair of Elven dueling pistols
A Bakur rifle
An exquisite Axe
Two Fyre Grenades
Feel free to swap these for other amusing items, these can be picked up as a Special Axction once the cases are opened/smashed and used by any character (although the armour takes a while to put on and there should probably be a random chance for any weapon to be loaded). If playing this as part of a larger campaign you could substitute any item with a plot hook for further adventures (a mysterious key, a map, a woven piece of spider silk, etc)
This article was written exclusively for Orcs in the Webbe and was first published on the 15th December 2008 as part of it's 2008 Advent Calendar. It was missing for a couple of years after the jump to Joomla. It has been updated a little and I have tweaked a few things whilst polishing it off for re-inclusion on the new OITW and as a result returned for your gaming pleasure on the 3rd February 2014.
OITW would like to thank Tony for writing this scenario. And even though he says he doesn't play, he fibs (he is a writer after all), a battle report of the classic scenario "Dreadloque" by Danny O'Hara can be found elsewhere on the site. A battle report in which myself, Tony and our good friend, ex-housemate and OITW author Jaffa Holland fought over the Windy Isles, go and have a look at the little known wargaming side of Tony Lee in 'He's Only a Goblin" ~#~ (Returning soon to OITW).
El Lupe was created by Mike Baumann.
Gobliana Joonz was created by Danny O'Hara.
Plunkorc and MacMean were created by Alternative Armies.
The Improbable Action rules are from the words of Mac Coxhead and Steve Blease.