A Panzerfäuste Scenario by CJ Hooper
Everyone remembers and talks about the famous Futbowel match of the trenches. Very few remember the incidents that followed; the hangovers, the bruises, the embarrassing silence between Orc and Dwarf who woke up together, and least of all the case of the swapped jerseys.
It is the tradition, as we all know, that at the end of each futbowel match the players swap shirts. Ivorc McFearson, a simple Orc lieutenant, and, Snorri Von Von, a Dwarven quartermeister (technically an eighthmeister) had honoured this tradition, they swapped uniforms. One baggy and one severely overtight, they had laughed at how daft they looked, and then set for their own trenches and bunks.
As is the case with the laws of comedy, despite the disparity in sizes, the act of swapping clothes meant that the identities of the two drinking buddies were now indeterminate. Upon waking up to give the orders of Boxing Day, Ivorc McFearson was taken as a Dwarf and was promptly chased from the trenches at bullet point. The same had happened to Snorri Von Von.
The only chance they each have of survival is to get their respective uniforms back. This involves each crossing into No Man’s Land and finding the other.
There are snipers, crawling patrols and not to mention the occasional barrage from the batteries.
The two players start at opposite corners of the board and must navigate the obstacles to get to the centre of No Man’s Land.
At the start of each turn there is a roll of a d6.
1-3 – a sniper takes a shot at one of the players, 50% chance of each.
4-5 – A patrol sets out across No Man’s Land, as the lookouts have spotted someone in enemy uniform near the trenches. The patrol will be four soldiers drafted from your miniature collection and controlled as per the solo player rules. They too may be subject to barrage damage (see below).
6 – there is a barrage and a random section of the board is subject to a huge mortar explosion. This affects all the models in the target area.
In the event of…
Should one of the two characters die then the other, instead of making for the centre of the board, must now find the body of his friend to retrieve the uniform. Of course, should he be caught by a patrol while looting the body then the penalty is summary execution and will be carried out on the spot. The arrested character does have a chance to explain away the situation.
The Cunning Plan
In the event of arrest the player may try to explain away their situation, such as being half dressed in a trench with the semi naked body of a dwarf. The player must try and explain this, however, in keeping with the laws of comedy, they cannot use the truth! That would be too sensible. This is enacted by the player talking through their explanation for a minute utilising the full national dialect of the race in question without ‘deviation, hesitation or repetition’, if playing in company.
If using solo rules then, I dunno, roll a dice or something ;)
This is a collaborative game and the patrols should be controlled using solo play rules, only attacking with clear line of sight and range etc.
Naturally this involves both players swapping their uniforms back, before shaking hands and returning to their respective trenches to try and kill each other again.
Is this winning? Not in war, my friends.
For this Panzerfäuste adventure I used the excellent Heroic Maps Terrain: Lunar. It’s a print and play product that represents No Man's Land brilliantly. It's available on Wargame Vault. It can be printed out or used in your favourite virtual tabletop software.
An Orcs in the Webbe Original! This scenario was written exclusively for Orcs in the Webbe and was first published on the 21st December 2016 as part of it's 2016 Advent Calendar.