"The Curse of Fu Cat Choo"
A Flintloque Short Story by Roger Willcox
Dear Uncle Rogipoos and Harry Oliphaunt meet the nefarious Fu Cat Choo in this tale of adventure, romance and dodgy antiquities...
Well met all,
Gosh, it`s almost Cryptmas and for some reason it reminds me of something that happened in my youth. Huzzah! Now as a young shaver I set off on “The Grand Tour” taking in the wonders of Valon and lots of other culturey type stuff, along with my best friend and general factotum when it comes to things mathematical, Harry Oliphaunt. The Seven wonders of Valon are jolly ancient and very interesting, they are The Greate Pyramids in Aegypt, The Colossus of Toads in Neopolise (Some folk reckon that the Leaning Tower of Pizzas should be a wonder but the archaeologythingiechaps say that edible monuments don`t count),The Mouseoleum and the Sacred Forges of Gurvan in Joccia, The Hanging Gardens of Babylotion (not for the squeamish, all those gibbets, ugh!) in Anotteria, The Parfornone Golff Course in Threshly, and, of course, The Stone Hinge in Albion. Huzzah!
Well the whole thing started Just after we had escaped from the clutches of the Chavv pirates of the Burberry coast and Harry and I (I had not, at this time, acquired Jose my trusty armadillo) were enjoying a delicious meal in “The Jewel in the Navel” (where every night is tummy dancing night!), on the Street of a Thousand Bargains, the Old Bazaar, Kairoh. We took care to avoid the sprout cous cous but tucked into a plate of Keybabs, an interesting dish of spiced minced camel, salady bits and a hot sauce served between what appeared to be the soles of an old pair of sandals. Hmmm! We followed that with a large dish of Djelli babies. Meanwhile as we tucked in to our meal some rather distracting Otter girls were nitting about in a sort of sinuous, wiggly, jiggly sort of way whilst not wearing an awful lot of clothing, Tummy dancers! Whoopsiedo! Harry was very taken with them, especially when one, the beautiful Jasmina, performed the rather naughty “dance of the seven pails”. I shall leave that to your imagination! Ahem!
But I digress. I had just bitten the head off a yellow Djelli baby when we were approached by a strange individual. His clothing and the fact that he was a catman showed that he came from the far and fabulous land of Chinn. Land of silks, perfumes, jade and catnip! A heady mixture if there ever was. Chinn is a jolly long way away, it`s just past Kin Kon and then turn left but stop before you get to Catmanpoo in the foothills of the Hippieliar mountains.
“Herro genteworcs,” he said (For clarity I shall, from this point on, translate from the Chinnese into Albionish). Now what he said was “Hello gentleorcs,” this was followed by “May I introduce myself? I am the honourable Pud Dee Tat, representative of Pud Dee Tat, genuine oriental antiques.”
Now before I continue there are a few things that I need to explain about Chinn and the Chinnese and what better source for this than good old “Thomas Crook`s Guide to Oriental Places and Stuff”. I quote……
“Departing from Kin Kon the traveller should make sure to take the road left to Peekaboo with its “Forbidding City” and capital of all Chinn.
The first thing that you will notice is the colourful mix of races that make up the Chinnese. The majority of the population, known as Cool Lis, are goblins, they are known for their easy going and relaxed demeanour and will willingly offer to carry your baggage for a few small coins. One might be entertained by the Dogmen “Boxsirs” who are only too happy to give a display of Dung Poo fighting. These dogs are as fast as lightning, in fact one may find it a little bit frightening, but the traveller can be assured that they fight with expert timing.
Amongst the throng the visitor to Peekaboo might spot a resident of the “Forbidding City”, which is the Imperial Palace, the Peekingese dogfolk who are the personal servants of the Emperor of Chinn. Clad in silk robes bearing the embroidered dragon of their ruler these Peekingese should be treated with great respect unless one wishes to experience a display of Dung Poo fighting at closer range than normal.
Goblin Ghurkin warriors from the North of Catmanpoo known for their razor sharp “Kookie knives” may be encountered, often in the company of the rather Troll like natives of the High Unsbag mountains of the Hippieliars, the High Unsbag Yetis.
Even more exotic are the folk of the Nipping islands, another goblin people although ruled by the “Samuraid” dog warrior caste. However, one is very unlikely to meet the secretive catman “Ginja`s”, dread assassins of Nipping.
However the one group that the traveller is most certain to encounter are the “Miowdarin” catmen. The Miowderin class can be found everywhere, shop keepers, merchants, judges, provincial governors, and most importantly bureaucrats. When dealing with the Miouwderins the traveller is advised to be patient, have an interpreter at hand, if possible a lawyer, and very deep pockets. This is particularly important if one has any dealings with the Miowderins of the “Imperial office of the Golden Lotus”. The “Divine Lotus” might best be described as a combination of our Ministries of Dubious Practices, Doubtful Information, Dirty Tricks and the Department of Obstruction all rolled into one.
The most charming catmen of this department are so anxious to ensure that the visitor is well looked after that they will spend hours pointing out the many and tortuous laws, bye laws, bye-bye laws (transgression of which ensures a sudden end to ones stay, thus the name) and regulations that only appear to concern tourists or “Forrrrin barrrrbarrrianss”, which means, one gathers, “honoured gests” as the miowderins prefer to call the traveller.
A popular entertainment in Peekaboo are the mid day trials held in the square outside the “Forbidding City”. Overseen by a senior miowderin of the “Court of Imperial Fairness, Justice and Mercy” each defendant is led before the miowderin who sits in a covered cat litter so that he can not be seen and an executioner reads out the heinous transgressions of the malefactor. These can vary from not bowing low enough in the presence of a miowderin to looking at a miowderin in a funny way. The judge then decides the fate of the defendant who, usually, is then executed in an extremely slow and unpleasant way. If the defendant is fortunate the judge may decide to have a nap, get bored and decide to do something else or play with a ball of wool in which case the defendant is regarded as innocent and released.
There are many places to eat in Peekaboo and the food is exotic and varied. The traveller may find the method of ordering “taykway” as food is called, a little confusing. However this is not surprising in a land where most things are based on the teachings of the philosopher Confuseus and the people eat with sticks. Etiquette demands that the dish is never referred to by what is actually in it but by a number. This can lead to surprising combinations. Thus the traveller should not feel put out when, having ordered a five, twenty three, forty nine and a seventy with chips (Chips are the only food, along with prawn crackers, a paper tube containing a small explosive charge and prawns, that are referred to by name) the waiter bursts in to fits of laughter, rushes in to the kitchen , jabbers loudly and is then followed out by the giggling kitchen staff who will look at the diner, point, laugh and cry the friendly greeting “Stoopid iriot!” which, we are told means, “Bon appetite!” This will be repeated at regular intervals during one`s meal particularly when the diner manages to drop half his meal down his front in an effort to pick up his food using two sticks. The traveller should note that if one of the dishes is a soup he may request a spoon. Attempting to eat soup with two sticks is likely to be rather difficult but is guaranteed to amuse the restaurant staff and earn him the honoured title of “Rearry stoopid cookie boy” or “Jolly good fellow”.
Whilst travelling in Chinn the visitor should make sure to take in two sites which could be truly called wonders. The First is the “Great Ball Of Chinn” a giant ball of wool rolled by thousands of Cool Lis on the orders of the tyrannical Emperor Ping Pong umpteen thousand years ago. Who knows how many of the workers died creating this huge ball? Ping Pong was eventually overthrown by his “Chief Minister of Extreme Inscrutability” Hoo Flung Dat who accused Ping Pong of being “up to his ears in monkey business” which he certainly was a short time later when they threw him into the pit next to the monkey enclosure in the Imperial menagerie!
The other wonder that really must not be missed is the army of pottery warriors known as the Te Ri Ko Ta Army. This magnificent collection of soldiers, each one just over an inch high, was buried with the Emperor Te Ri Ko Ta in not quite so umpteen thousands of years ago. Te Ri Ko Ta was unusual in that he proposed that wars should be fought using small pottery miniatures rather than real soldiers. These “Alternative Armies”, as he referred to them, would be manoeuvred on a table top controlled by a book of rules which accurately recreated warfare. Unfortunately for Te Ri Ko Ta the invading army of real soldiers of the Ah Ti Choo dynasty decided that they preferred actually killing people to recreating it on a table top. According to legend Te Ri Ko Ta`s Most Esteemed General of the Imperial War Table escaped with a boxful of clay models and after many adventures landed on the shores of Joccia, somewhere near Gurvan where he taught the cleverest of the local rats his model sculpting and painting skills. Of course this is just a legend.”
So that fills you in a bit on Chinn, Now on to the nitty gritty of the story! Huzzah!
Now, as I said, Harry and I had just been approached by a Mister Pud Dee Tat, a catman antiques dealer from Chinn.
“I wonder” he purred, “if you would be interested in purchasing a very valuable Aegyptian artefact?”
Now I am not averse to buying the odd souvenir when on my travels so I suggested that I might, if the price was right, be willing to pay a few dinnars for another piece for the “cabinet of curiosities” back home. Anyway, it was getting close to Cryptmas so I thought that I could get it shipped back to Albion as a presie for Ma and Pa. The Dinnar, by the way, is the currency of Aegypt. It is so called because, at one time, you could buy a whole dinner with one, now you`d be lucky to puchase a solitary Djelli baby with ten!
But I digress.
He told us that the artefact was at his shop, the Kairoh branch of “Pud Dee Tat, Genuine Oriental Antiquities”, on the “Street of a Thousand Great Deals” in the old bazaar. I decided to go and have a look whilst Harry decided that he fancied staying at the “Jewel in the Navel” (where every night is tummy dancing night) as he fancied a bit of Otharian Delight. I suspect the fact that the beautiful Jasmina was about to do a repeat performance of the “Dance of the Seven Pails” may have had something to do with it. Gosh ! It really is rather naughty! Ahem!
So, Mister Tat and I wound our way through the maze of streets that make up the old bazaar. It`s jolly amazing! There`s snake charmers, fire eaters, jugglers, sword swallowers, mystics having a snooze on beds of nails and more bods wanting to sell you dirty postcards than you can shake a stick at. The sending of dirty postcards is somewhat an Aegyptian tradition although why one should want to send somebody a piece of card covered in mucky fingerprints and smears of mud on it is beyond me.
At last we came to his shop. It was between “Omar Kayak`s Tents and Poetry” and the “Abu Ben Ahem (may his tribe increase) Used Flying Carpet Emporium”, just opposite “Scimitars R Us”. Golly, you should have seen the stuff that he had! Pud Dee Tat`s shop was crammed with really interesting bits and bobs. I n one corner was the “Lost Ark” (one careful owner, a snip at a thousand dinnars!), a lamp that had belonged to a lad in Chinn that was supposed to contain a slave girl called Jeannie (though how she got in there in the first place is a mystery to me!), a golden fleece, and a golden apple with “For Miss Olympus” engraved on it. Cor!
“This, honourable Rogipoos, is the item that I thought that might be of interest.” Said the catman. He was holding a mask of gilded wood and lapis lazuli. Golly gosh! It was shaped like a falcon`s head.
“This,” Mister Tat said in a voice tinged with awe, “awe, so, this is the mask of the priest of the ancient Sun God Ra. It dates from the time of the great Pharoah Upshe, son of Chops, builder of the Greate Pyramid and father of Toot An Comin.”
Phew! This mask was seriously heady stuff!
“This mask,” he continued, “was lost for thousands of years, but, after years of searching it came into my hands. I would keep it but times are hard and honourable number one son needs much money to pay his tuition fees at the Peekaboo School of Inscrutability. I thought that it was pointless to keep cash in the attic, as it were, so I decided that I should flog it. When I noticed honourable Rogipoos in the “Jewel in the Navel” (where every night is tummy dancing night) I thought, there is an Orc who likes a bargain hunt, so I offer it to you. When I tell you the price I think that you will find that it is going for a song.”
“Well,” I replied, “You have a veritable antiques road show here, tell me more.”
“Ah….so….The mask is one of two, the other is in the shape of a jackal`s head, the head of Anubis, God of the Dead. It is said that if a priest of Ra, wearing this mask, and a priest of Anubis, wearing the other mask performed a ritual in the tomb of Pharoah Upshe, the mummified king would awake from death and in gratitudereveal the whereabouts of his magnificent treasury.”
“Hmm! I thought, “Reveal his magnificent treasury, old Upshe sounds like one of the grateful dead!”
“Yes,” Pud Dee Tat continued, “according to the ancient texts the priest of Anubis must stand next to the opened sarcophagus of the Pharaoh and summon the sun God by calling “Ra! Ra! Ra!” At which the priest of Ra enters the burial chamber. “Who is it who enters the resting place of the Great King?” asks the priest of Anubis. “It is I, Ra!” the other priest replies. At this point the Pharoah will awake and open the hidden door within the pyramid which is the entrance to a chamber containing more riches than one can imagine!”
“Gosh!” I said, “Rather a case of “Who?”, “Ra” and Upshe rises! Er, you don`t happen to have the other mask by any chance?”
“Do you think I`d be here if I did?” the antique dealer replied.
Well anyway to cut a long story short I ended up umpteen twelvety dinnars poorer and the proud owner of the mask of Ra.
This situation didn`t last for long. As I made my way back towards the “Jewel in the Navel” (where every….oh you know the rest) when I became aware that I was being followed. I turned just in time to see an innocent looking Kin Kon type Goblin ducking into the shadows in a not at all suspicious manner. As I turned my head back I was just in time to walk straight into the fist of a rather large, and not at all friendly, Boxsir dogman. Ouch!
I came to with a head that felt as though I had spent a couple of hours trying to demolish the Greate Pyramid of Chops with it. Oooooh! Who was banging that…
“Ah…so….Rogipoos” a catman voice entered my consciousness. “Welcome to my highly secret, evil mastermind`s Aegyptian lair hidden deep within the desert in the lost city of Tabbyss. I know it`s not my usual style but my even more secret and even more remote evil mastermind`s lair in a lost Youbetan monastery in the Hippieliars North of Catmanpoo is being redecorated at the moment and I have pressing business here in Aegypt anyway. May I introduce myself, I am Fu Cat Choo!”
“Bless you.” I replied.
“No, I said Fu Cat Chu, that`s my name!”
“Oh, sorry. Mister Fu Cat Poo was that?” I quipped.
“FU CAT CHOO, stoopid iriot!”
“Oh thank you, most kind, but I had a Keybab earlier but thanks for the thought….er.. Mister Koo Koo Cat Choo was it?
“FU…CAT…CHOO!” he shouted slowly, I think that he was getting a little upset.
“Sorry,” I replied, my head had cleared a bit, “but I still don`t quite get it. Um, Mister Catta Nooga Choo Choo?”
“Aaargh!” Oops! I think he was getting just a weenie bit vexed. “Look let me spell it out! Fu! That`s spelled F….U….”
Now enough was enough, kidnapping was one thing, being tied hand and foot and thrown on the floor of some secret hideaway was another but there are some things that are just beyond the pale. This was going too far!
“Now look here, MISTER Few That Do, if I wasn`t all tied up and lying on the floor here I`d be tempted to give you a lesson in manners…..Albion style!”
That shook him!
“Not only is swearing NOT BIG and NOT CLEVER, it is definitely NOT ON when there are ladies present!”
Now at this point I had better point out that Mister Choo, myself and the Goblin gong basher were not the only people in the chamber. No, there were also a dozen, not terribly sympathetic looking, Boxsir Dogs dressed in black pyjamas and red headbands and, ahem, a particularly attractive kitty wearing a very expensive looking silk cheongsam. The chamber was lit with burning torches and the air was heavy with the smell of opyum, a particularly expensive Oriental incense. I must say that I was feeling distinctly incensed about the whole situation!
The young lady cat spoke.
“Oh father, he is so funny, give him to me….please.”
The Miowderin, who was seated on a rather impressive looking throne, raised a long clawed finger.
“No, Lotus Flower,” he said, “you broke the last three that I gave you.
Go play with that new ball of wool that I bought you, or maybe smoke some catnip”.
CATNIP! The curse of the Orient. According to my brother Crustyforc (the noted accountant and explorer with the Honourable East Valon Company) the Miowderin class use catnip to keep the Cool Li Goblins content with their lot. The rotters!
The lady left with a rather growly purr on her lips.
“Now,” Fu Cat Choo continued, “I already have the mask of Anubis which I managed to…….obtain…”he gloated. Evil geniuses love to gloat. “Thanks to the burglary skills of my loyal gong beater.”
Ah! I knew that I had seen him before.
“Unfortunately for you, Rogipoos, Mister Tat, had sold you the mask of Ra before Grasshopper,” he motioned towards the Goblin, “could...obtain…it for me. The only thing that I need now is the details of the ritual so that I can….ha ha ha!...” Evil geniuses like to laugh in a sort of hysterical and spooky way, “attain riches beyond all imagination!” This was followed by more diabolical laughter.
“Now,” he continued, “You may wonder why I did not ask Pud Dee Tat, but I am afraid that it would be against Miowderin etiquette, so, I give you a simple choice, Rogipoos. Either tell me the details of the ritual, or………..I will force you to tell me!”
“Oh, Hurrah and up she rises.” I replied in a sarcastic sort of way, “Sorry New Cat Poo, no deal, anyway, maybe I don`t know it.”
“Look,” he snarled, “the, so called, good guy, always knows the secret, I know, it always happens that way in Orclets` Own Paper!”
“Well, in that case, do your worst!” The goody always says that in Orclets Own Paper! “So there!”
“Take him to the place of Kim Shee!” he commanded.
Once more my head came into contact with a fist of not so harmonious righteousness.
Now, regaining consciousness whilst suspended by the feet with one`s hands bound behind one`s back above a deep pit containing a very large cauldron full of boiling sprouts, vinegar and red hot chilli peppers is not my idea of having a good time, but, that is exactly how I found myself.
A gong sounded as Fu Cat Chu entered accompanied by a very large and very ugly Boxsir.
“So…Rogipoos,” the evil mastermind purred, “Perhaps now you have changed your mind?”
“Um……no. I don`t think so.” I answered in a manner that, I hoped, implied typical Albionish pluck.
He signed to the dogman who pulled a lever attached to the winch which was at the opposite end of the chain from which I was dangling. There was an ominous “Clunk”, the chain jerked and I found that my head and the foul smelling brew below were about a foot closer together.
“Kim Shee”, the “Death by a Thousand Sprouts”, not a very noble death. Not, perhaps the way that the son and heir of the most illustrious and brave warrior Lord Williorc Willorcs and his beautiful Lady Glorirat should die?”
The rotter! To what depths would he not sink?
“Oh, yes, Rogipoos, I know all about you. My criminal organisation, the Zee Zee Fang, has agents all over Valon!”
Once more the Evil Mastermind went into gloat mode. Evil Geniuses not only enjoy gloating, they also love to boast.
“Oh yes, Rogipoos, the Zee Zee Fang has close links to the Naffia of Neopolise, and the illegal basketwork ring known as the Raffia of Massay! Even in your own lands the Krayfish Brothers` Eastendas of Londinium pay tribute to me and the Joccian illicit Irn-Bru business sends me a….portioin…of its profits.” He smiled smugly.
“You cad!” I spat.
Fu Cat Choo turned to his henchdog.
“Ugli Pug. Lower him anther foot!”
Once more the chain jolted and I found myself twelve inches closer to the vile brew below. However, already a plan was forming in my mind. Yes, I remembered that Harry Wartson, hero of the Bungalow Lancers, in “Orclets Own Paper” had been in a similar situation when he had fallen into the clutches of that Evil Tigerman the Rajapoo of Bungalow. It was a jolly exciting episode. The evil Rajapoo had tricked, oh sorry, you can read it yourself. Back to the main narrative.
“It was crazy but it just might work,” I thought. Well when it comes to craziness I`m your Orc! Huzzah!
I just needed a little bit more chain. I reckoned that I still had about seven feet before my head would be level with the edge of the pit and another twenty before I would be, oh the horror, boiling my head in a stinky morass of …well let`s not think about it.
The Miowderin spoke.
“Be reasonable Rogipoos. Why not save yourself and tell me what I want to know and, who knows, perhaps I might even give you a small part of the treasure.”
Hah! Some chance. I knew that if I told him the details of the secret ritual he`d still have me slowly lowered into the sprouty goop just for fun!
“Tell you what you want to know Few Bu Galoo? Oh, why not?”
The catman looked surprised.
“Well, my favourite colour is blue?”
He looked even more surprised.
“I know that!”
“My favourite treat is cocoa and ginger biccies?”
“I know that too.
“Err,” I paused, “My cuddly toy ferret is not called Trevor?”
“I didn`t know that!” Fu Cat Choo looked amazed, “I always thought that it was! Well you live and learn! Not called Trevor, well, well, well! I really must remember to have my secret agent in Shirewood put to a long, agonising death. If he`s not called Trevor what………”
Suddenly he shook his head.
“What am I doing?” he stormed, “I`m not here to play silly guessing games! I`m an Evil Genius ! I`m more evil than the most evilest Evil Genius in all Valon! Tell me what I want to know NOW! If you don`t I`m going to get really angry and you wouldn`t like that one tensie weensie bit!..........Ugli Pug, another foot!”
Aha, just what I wanted! I started to wriggle and writhe causing the chain to start to swing.
“Oh please”, I blubbed,” please don`t get angry! Please I don`t want to die! Please oh great and evilest of Evil Masterminds spare my worthless life!”
Fu smiled, he had broken me, and now I would tell him everything!
I continued to writhe making the chain swing even more.
“Yes,” I cried, “My favourite game is BAR SKITTLES!”
(Actually I was telling abit of a fib there. As you all know Whacky Families is my favourite game).With that I swung like a pendulum, my forehead connecting with the bridge of Ugi Pug`s nose, knocking him away from the winch, the backswing made me hit him from behind sending him screaming to a horrible fate at the bottom of the pit. Fu Cat Choo stood, his face a mask of horror and astonishment as I swung over the winch knocking the lever with my head which released the chain. I landed with a thump as the chain unwound. Fu made a bolt for the door. Typical! These Evil Masterminds are all the same. As soon as it all starts going wrong they run for it. Hah!
I rubbed the cords which bound my wrists against the cogs of the winch so freeing my hands. I unfastened my feet from the chain. A glance into the pit disclosed the soles of Ugli Pug`s shoes as he slowly dissolved into the boiling green gunge. Ooh! Nasty!
Making my way through the halls of the top secret lair I noticed that Fu and his minions had made a hurried exit, even leaving behind the masks of Ra and Anubis. I decided that I would keep those and send them home for Ma and Pa at Cryptmas. Look good in the old cabinet of curiosities, I thought.
Going out into the sunshine I was confronted by the sight of eleven very bemused looking Boxsirs.
“Oops!” I thought. Now I`m usually not that bothered by numbers, but eleven highly trained Dung Poo fighters was a bit much!
I was pleasantly surprised when the whole lot of them got down and pressed their foreheads to the sand. Most embarrassing!
“Um, er, all right chaps, enough is enough,” I said, “ Urm, a salute or a handshake will do, er, you know.”
“I speak Albionish very good!” he smiled, “My name Bashee Onn Hed, black belt Dung Poo eighth Pan! You Rogipoos, great warrior, slay Ugli Pug. Him one big stooped iriot cookie boy! We serve you now!”
“Oh!” I replied, not a little surprised, “Steady on there, jolly decent of you. Er Bashee Onn Hed was it?”
He nodded enthusiastically, grinning.
“Well, first thing, what happened to Fu, Lotus Flower and Grasshopper?”
“Oh,” Bashee beamed, They make quick getaway on fast flying carpet. We last see carpet doing crazy loop the loop out of control over horizon. Much funny!”
The dogmen barked in an enthusiastic sort of way. Obviously this was a great joke.
“Hmm”, It didn`t come from the Abu Ben Ahem (may his tribe increase) Used Flying Carpet Emporium by any chance did it?” I enquired. Bashee Onn Hed nodded.
“Well,” I mused, “ Fu Cat Choo one great big stoopid iriot!”
“I not know you speak Chinnese , boss” the dogman woofed.
“Neither did I!” I replied, laughing. They laughed too.
Well I suppose that pretty well ends the story. I went back to collect the masks. In my haste to catch up with Foo Cat Choo I had not noticed the words “Valon will hear from me again! So there! Nyah!” splashed in red paint on the wall of the throne room. Darned vandalism!
Well Bashee, the Dung Poo fighters and I decided to make our way back across the desert to Kairoh. Fortunately for us there were several camels tethered ouside the ancient temple of Tabbyss so we loaded them up with lots of useful stuff and set off.
I could tell you a tale of burning sand, blazing sun, mirages and unquenchable thirst but it wasn`t like that at all. We got to a waterhole a little before sunset and made camp. Ah! Midnight at the oasis! We sent our camels to bed, shadows painted our faces and I felt traces of romance in my head. I must admit the place was beautiful and I rather wished that I was not accompanied by eleven tough Dung Poo fighters but rather one of the lovely tummy dancers from “The Jewel in the navel”(where every…….if you don`t know by now you never will). Ho hum, such is life. So I slipped off to a sand dune and kicked up a little dust. I don`t know why, it just seemed the right thing to do at the time.
It wasn`t that far from the oasis to Kairoh and we were helped by the fact that along the camel trail was a signpost. On one arm was written “Kairoh”, on the other “Top Secret Lair of Evil Genius Fu Cat Choo, Lost City of Tabbyss. KEEP OUT!”
I was jolly pleased to get back and found Harry outside the “Jewel in the Navel” (where every……yes that`s right!) smoking one of those hubble-bubble pipes and sharing a big bowl of Djelli babies with the beautiful Jasmina.
He was fascinated to hear my tale. Later on I met up with two achaeologythingy type chaps, Howard Cartorc and Lord Cairnorcvon and gave them details of how to find the lost city of Tabbyss. They were jolly chuffed because they`d been looking for it for ages. Demned careless of whoever lost it in the first place if you ask me!
The Boxsirs? Well, as they had sworn to serve me I gave them the money for the fare to Albion where they now run the “Nothing at all to do with the Zee Zee Fang Laundry, Taykway Restaurant and School of Dung Poo” in Nottnum.
Now I bet you are wondering whether Harry and I went to the tomb of Pharoah Upshe to conduct the ritual to find his fabulous treasure. Don`t be silly, of course we didn`t. Those masks had caused enough trouble already without a reanimated mummy charging around the place. Any way the story`s probably a load of rubbish made up to sell reproduction masks, and the treasure? Well if there is one, which I doubt, it`s probably a load of old tat, aha! Pud Dee Tat perhaps?
Or just maybe……
So Merry Cryptmas to you all and lots of Aegyptian type cheers and Chinnesey Huzzahs from Uncle Rogipoos and all at Willorcs hall!
Dedicated to Lady Alisorc who checked my awful spelling and punctuationy type stuff, laughed at the jokes and for being generally a jolly spiffing lady!
Oh!... and to Jose of course. You are never alone with an armadillo you know!
An Orcs in the Webbe Original! "The Curse of Fu Cat Choo" was written exclusively for Orcs in the Webbe's 2011 Advent Calendar and was first published on Saturday 10th December 2011.