"Does My Ass Look Big In This"

A Pax Bochmannica Scenario by Tony Harwood

A Noman Orc
Painted, Based and Photographed by Tony Harwood

The Peckham Irregulars have seen such success and growth in recent month that not only is food becoming an issue but so is the sheer amount of 'enthusiasm' shown by the younger members, the Yoofs. What they need is something to kick in...


Dell and the boy’s were having some success. Over the last couple of months the Peckham Irregulars had developed quite a following, the small Boche warband had grown and now included some seasoned warriors, a good number of yobs and even the odd weapon.

One unexpected consequence of their success was the growing number of yoofs - delinquent unruly juveniles, all searching for acceptance into the warband proper.

Del, in his usual manner had dealt with the situation by engaging in a game of ‘ostrich’ (sticking his head in the sand) and believed that this small inconvenience would eventually fizzle-out.

It didn’t. It just got bigger.

The blockhouses around Peckham were crammed full of thieving, illegitimate spotty yoofs all looking for a way out. The newly formed and successful Peckham Irregulars (the P. I.’s) looked to many as the ‘Golden Torq’ or ticket and for this reason all the baddest yoofs were now drawn to Dell like cheap jewellery to a magnet or TOWIE girls to a Ratners necklace. Aw Crap!

Rodders and Trigger had been given the not inconsiderable task of keeping these new recruits in order. Things came to a head when a rabble of yoofs drank too much strong Mead and later set fire to one of the smaller raised grain stores.

The problem was two fold (actually three fold). The loss of grain – how could this newly formed band hope to keep all of its members happy with less food and more mouths to feed? Secondly – the Nomans had seen the fire and the P.I’s had come to the attention of Bouccie, a Noman ambassador who had recently had some dealing with Del, Rodknee and these Boche. Thirdly (and say this in hushed tones) Rodknee was having trouble controlling these Boche yoofs, the truth is, they were bullying Rodknee and if things continued the way they were going, full anarchy would follow (very soon).
Within two days a small force of Noman Legionares had set up camp within rock-hurling range and plans were afoot to drag up a huge Onager (Ass in Noman) stone throwing machine to soften up the Boche. Another two days and the first huge boulders started to rain down on the thatched, wattle and daub huts.

Things could not continue like this for too long.

Rodknee devised a plan (calling it a cunning plan for more effect). He would allow the yoofs to approach the Onager in the dead of night, with the intention to disable the huge wooden machine – cut it, burn it, knobble it, whatever they do they must stop the flying stones and stop them quickly.
As night descends – the yoofs move off into the pitch black night. Can they succeed? If they do, can Dell or Rodknee ever hope to control them? Will Rodknee ever recover from the bullying? Will the yoofs stop bullying Rodknee? Will Casanadraever stop bullying him?

Set Up

A simple clear board (120cms x 120cms), some odd scenery (just enough to make it look nice). In the centre of the board is the Onager (substitute it with whatever war machine you may have to hand, after all it is just an effectively objective marker).

Noman engineers are sleeping quite close by but not expecting company (although some of those naughty Noman camp followers would be nice and it is a cold night – but I digress).

The scenario takes place at night so the normal modifiers apply.

Noman Forces

Four Noman engineers, sleeping around a small camp fire, no guards. They are armed with segmented armour, metal helmets, short swords and shields. Throw a D10 for each Legionare at the beginning of the scenario and consult the table below to see what they start the game with;

1-3 Just sword
4-5 Sword and helmet
6-7 Sword, helmet and shield
8-10 Sword, helmet, armour and shield

Boche Force

Up to twelve Boche Halfling Yoofs, inexperienced, green and full of boyish exuberance and mischief. They have odd tools – axes, mallets, crow bars even some tinder etc, but their main weapons will be short swords or long knives.

They can also throw stones – they are very good at throwing stones – see the earlier scenario.


Rodknee could lead the Boche, but don’t expect his orders to be followed – he is not well thought of by these rebel yoofs!

Noman reinforcements will not be far away and once the fighting starts, they will respond, quickly and with force. A group of 6 Legionares will enter the table on the next turn after the first sounds of attack, fighting or vandalism.

Special Rules

Every Boche in base-to-base contact with the Onager can try to damage the war machine. Each Boche in contact per turn – reduces the strength by 1 point on a die roll of 8 or over (D10). The damage can be fire, chopping of wood, cutting of ropes or even graffiti.

It will take 25 successful attacks to fully destroy the Onager.

Victory Criteria

The Nomans win if the Onagar is intact at the end of the night.

(You may wish to agree on a game length prior to starting this scenario, if you do, I suggest that the game is played twice with each player swopping sides and comparing the results).

The Boche win if the Onager is out of action at the end of the night. In addition any surviving Boche yoofs will expect to be promoted to full members of the ‘posse’ – members of the Peckham Irregulars or P.I.’s.

Maia help Del and Rodknee if this happens, as they will be buggers to control.

Anything else is a draw – or a degrees of a draw.


Webmaster's Notes

An Orcs in the Webbe Original! "Sticks & Stones" was written exclusively for Orcs in the Webbe and was first published on the 21st December 2013 as part of it's 2013 Advent Calendar. 

Pax Bochemannica (or Pax Boche as it's affectionately known) is a 'heroic' scale set of miniature skirmish rules pitching Orcs of the Noman Empire (as the name suggests, based on the Roman Empire) against the Halfling Boche (based on the varied tribes of Britain around the time of Boudica). Pax Boche was released after rigourous playtesting early in 2013 but sadly was withdrawn from sale soon after release, now it's back!

The miniatures are available to buy from the MiniFigs website here. They really are wonderfull character miniatures and well worth a look if alternate history featuring fantasy races is your kind of thing (and if you're still reading this, it probably is ;) )

The rules are also available to buy, either the standalone rules if you've got the miniatures, or in the superb value boxed set.

Craig Andrews
December 2013