"Foul Mouth Freddy Divides the ****ing Loot"

A Flintloque Scenario by Tony Harwood

Miniature and Photo by Tony Harwood


Valon's loveable anti-hero returns in this tale where Freddy and his companions must retreat through hostile territory with a variety of loot 'acquired' from the pointy-eared Ferach B******s.


Wogan had been clear – crystal clear. Destroy the stores - Get in, burn the wagons full of vittles and get out faster than a duck can fart.

It had all gone a bit awry when Tricky Dickie had seen what the wagons actually contained.

The whole group was now discussing the merits of keeping the loot and hiding the fact from Wogan and the whole ****ing regiment. However the Army of Albion is not a democracy.

Three days earlier...

Wogan called Freddy in to his tent and told him to sit. Always a bad sign. Wogan poured two glasses of Port (another bad sign) and slowly explained the mission.

“The Ferach are moving out, retreating and trying to smuggle as much plunder as possible back beyond their main lines. In a collection of run down hovels, just over the river Elbo there are a couple of wagons brim-full with stolen loot. We cannot allow the ‘pointy-ears’ to succeed in transporting them back to Lyonnese. Every bloody balle they get back to that twisted Emperor of theirs is a balle that can be used against us.

Note: Balle – old French term for Centime similar to the English Bob.

Your Mission is simple. I want you to secure the wagons, raise the village to the ground and destroy the contents. Set them on fire, blow them up, do whatever you think fit but leave nothing. Get in and get out quickly! Don’t let me down – I have other missions planned for you.

Any Questions?”

Even before Freddy could think of a question, Wogan continued.

“No. Good. Now go, I’m not expecting those wagons to be there for long.”

Freddy drank down the glass of Port in one gulp and left the tent with the beautiful crystal glass and the part finished bottle of Port secreted under his shako. Would Wogan never learn?

Back in the burning village Tricky salivated at the thought of all that booty and what it would mean to these under-appreciated Orc Redcoats. Freddy took a deep breath, surveyed the faces of his company of Orcs and made a decision that would test his authority to the very limit. You could have heard a pin drop (apart from the blazing fire and the pitiful cries of the villagers – but you get the drift).

Freddy looked across to Tricky-Dicky who had turned quite green – even greener than usual and said.

“You’ve got five minutes to ‘scrounge’ as much as you can. Just be sure that you make the right choices because in six b****y minutes I’ve instructed Private Blewitt here to blow the wagons to kingdom b****y Come.”

By late afternoon the small village sat under a dark gloomy cloud of black smoke rising from the dying embers of the many fires that had been set, two wagons had been reduced to nothing more than sooty dark stains on the grey cobbles and now Freddy called an impromptu meeting, making sure that everyone in the group of Redcoats could see him. He was about to address the group while Dickie continued to ‘divide-up’ some of the last items with odd nods and winks which caused some loud mutterings. Obviously the plan wasn’t working.

“OK.” Said Freddy and continued.

“Cut the c**p. You all know the risks we are taking. If Wogan gets wind of this little adventure our Goose is well and truly ****ing cooked. As he finished the sentence his attention was focused on Lieghty, Big Fat Leighty, the cook who accompanied the 69th on their travels and adventures through Catalunia.”

Leighty had taken Freddy at his word and had scrounged just one piece of loot. The one piece of loot that he had liberated from the petrified Elves was a fully fitted and beautifully constructed Ferach field kitchen – a wagon, complete with draft horse, a huge stew pot and a wrought iron stove!

How the **** Freddy was going to explain this to Wogan was at that moment the very least of his worries as a whole troop of mounted Ferach Lancers could be seen approaching along the valley and illuminated by the quickly setting sun.

On the small stone bridge and on the furthest side from the burning village, Freddy set up a road block, any chance of a quick getaway was now just a pipedream. The plan was simplicity itself (it had to be where Freddy was concerned). As the lancers approached the bridge, the Red Coats would fire off a couple of rounds disrupting the fancy-dress jockeys and allowing time for the bulk of the group to retreat towards the cover of some trees.

The first shots slowed the attacking cavalry and Freddy told Blewitt to set charges and blow up the *****y bridge then retreat to the tree-line where the remaining Red Coats lay in wait.

As darkness fell and the Orcs moved back, the bridge was blown, but only enough to damage it and NOT destroy it. Freddy had neglected to stock up on enough barrels of fresh gunpowder. That night there was an uneasy lull as Freddy expected the Ferach to attack. Later as dawn came and still no sign of the mounted Ferach the tension was even greater, Freddy realised that the Lancers could attack the retreating Red Coats at any time on the long way road to camp.

Freddy now set a cunning trap, with rifles to either side of the dirt track and hidden in the tree-line the huge Ferach cooking wagon led by Leighty started to move back towards the Orc lines. This plan is much too complicated, a plan that has ample opportunity to go wrong, but infantry being chased by Lancers in open ground did not offer too much of an option. Freddy had to hit the Lancers hard, one devastating volley at close range, enough to make the survivors think these Albion Orcs were not going to go down without a fight. Any chance of following Wogan’s orders and getting out quickly were disappearing fast.

“Wait until you can see the whites of their slanty ****ing eyes before you open fire.” Shouted Freddy.

In the early morning light with bright sunshine glinting of the polished lance heads the charge of the Lancers Rouge was spectacular, fool-hardy but spectacular and over a third of the bright red Lancers were cut down in those first volleys. The remainder moved back towards the still burning village and re-formed. Freddy knew that to stand their ground was useless; the Orcs had to conduct an organised retreat over barred and open countryside, but with ‘blooded’ Lancers in the region Freddy had to be especially careful and cunning.


The outcome of the Ferach charge should be assessed as a victory for the Albion Orcs as a large percentage of the Lancers Rouge have been cut-down in the initial gunfight, but will they want to press home the attack with another charge and into the woods?

The answer to this simple question is no. The Captain of the Lancers decides to swing around the small woods to the North and try to ensnare the Orcs in open ground the other side of the trees. There will be ample time to avenge the fallen Ferach hero’s.

The bulk of the remaining Red Coat company are accompanying the loot (in this case a b****y huge soup-wagon) while a rear guard crick their necks keeping a watchful eye on the road behind them and ever mindful of the possible attack from Lancers but as midday came and went Freddy realised that the Ferach Rouge Lancers had other plans.

Freddy quickly assesses his predicament. He is in a race to get back to his own lines, but still has to proceed with caution as at anytime the Orcs under his command could be slaughtered by the mounted Lancers. However if he dawdles then the chances of being caught are so much greater. Having Leighty insisting on taking the cooking wagon along is just b****y stupid, but Freddy learnt a very long time ago that trying to reason with BFL (Big Fat Leighty) was just not worth the effort – once he has an idea in that simple little head of his, then nothing can influence him to change his decision. The ****ing wagon comes along.

Freddy’s task is to ensure that his Red Coats and the Soup Wagon get back to safety as quickly as possible. The small group is led by Leighty and his much prized wagon with the bulk of the group (Freddy included) trudging along behind and ever mindful of the risk of attack from the marauding Ferach Lancers.

The Scenario

There is no reason why this scenario could not be played as a standard two-sided Flintloque game, however I have devised the gaming scenario as a modified solo ‘Steeple-Chase’ game with the wagon, the Orcs and Freddy moving at walking pace along a little-used dirt track back towards the main Orc lines and safety. For anyone wishing to play this scenario I suggest that a pack of cards are used to assess the risk of being attacked or encountered. Use a full pack of cards but see notes below.

It is possible to use a gaming board as small as 600mm x 600mm although I would advise having a little more space. The terrain is plain and featureless with a dirt track running across the middle of the board.

Each and every turn a card should be drawn and the result read off the table below.

The group are attacked by a company of Lancers Rouge, each mounted on a heavy warhorse and armed with lance and sword. See below for further details.

Ace of Spades – 24 Lancers
Ace of Clubs – 16 Lancers
Ace of Hearts – 12 Lancers
Ace of Diamonds – 10 Lancers

I suggest that you play out the encounter with the Flintloque Solo rules (remember that only the first Ace counts, and subsequent Aces are passes or free turns). As the Lancers attack, remember to draw a card per turn. It gets a little messy during this phase!

Nerves are on edge and with everyone’s attention on the possibility of attack the bulk of the loot (excluding the Soup Wagon) is misplaced, lost never to be found.

In-fighting amongst the group over how the loot has been divided up comes to a head. Split the Orcs into three main sections and dice for two sections to start fighting one another, the third acts as a referee or calming influence. It would be rare for any fatalities, but there should be loads of injuries and bad mouthing – a real grudge match, however if a 13 is thrown at any stage during this turn (or subsequent in-fighting) then a death will occur.

Later in the scenario any die throw of 13 will reignite the feud and fighting will once again break out. See notes above.

Any injuries sustained should have the effect of reducing movement and hindering the retreat – I suggest that instead of actually moving the figures, you take a second card from the pack every time an Orc is injured and two cards for every Orc killed. This rule should apply if the injury/death is sustained from a Ferach Lancer or from in-fighting.

There should be some random rule for Foul Mouth Freddy to be able to interfere and help stop the fighting. My favourite is to throw three dice per turn of bickering, one for each of the two fighting factions and one for Freddy acting as the referee. If Freddy’s roll is the highest then Freddy had succeeded in breaking up the fight. If Freddy’s roll is not the highest then the group with the highest roll inflicts a wound onto the second bickering group of Red Coats. Remember that when any roll of 13 occurs (total of all three die) – then the bickering group with the lowest score has suffered a fatality. Any death will stop the fighting immediately, bringing the two parties to their senses and you should move on to the next turn.

Tough luck. The wagon looses a wheel and the whole group remain with the wagon while it is being repaired. Throw a D6 for how many turns it will take to repair. If a 6 is thrown then count it as six turns but also throw again and add the result to the length of time it will take to repair.

It is possible (if the throws are very poor), that the group will be repairing the wagon for some time!

Remember that for each turn repairing the wagon a card must be drawn.

Each of these cards (Ace and picture cards) will only count once, eg. A second Jack will be seen as a pass and nothing happens. Any repeat should be ignored. In addition do not count the Ace or any picture cards in the totals below.

I found that it was a good idea to have two piles of used cards – the Ace and picture cards in one an the rest in a second.

Any number card deuce through to 10 will need to be put aside and recorded. When the number of points adds up to thirteen (or more), treat as if playing a Queen for the first time and there is once again bickering within the group.

Throws of thirteen are to be avoided at all cost.

If the Deuce of Spades is drawn at any time during the game count as normal but Wogan appears, mounted on a horse and Freddy and the group have some serious explaining to do. Unless a King had been played in an earlier turn (see notes above).

If the Deuce of Clubs is drawn count as normal but a company of five mounted Provost turn up and once again there is some explaining to do, after all they still have the Ferach Soup Wagon and retreating.

Provost; All Officers and armed with sword and Flintloque.

If the Deuce of Hearts is drawn count as normal but three She-Orcs are encountered, spend three turns consoling them and then agree to take them back to camp with the wagon.

If the Deuce of Diamonds is drawn then a stash of Brandy is found, spend one turn securing it and then back to the retreat.

If a 10 is drawn the Orcs can add a piece of terrain to the gaming board. Allow the terrain to stay for 3 turns only as in the Steeple Chase came mechanic the group of Orcs are still marching.

10 of Spades = a piece of rough ground. If played when the Lancers are attacking then the Lancers will retreat.
10 of Clubs = a small coppice (two trees and a couple of small bushes maximum).
10 of Hearts = a small-built road stone shrine. Which through Sentinels help allows Freddy to ignore the next bad encounter or drawn card.
10 of Diamonds = a dry-stone wall (maximum length of 6 inches).

If at any stage during the game a pair of cards with the same number are drawn in subsequent draws (think SNAP) then nerves once again get the better of the group – they are after all on heightened alert and the lookout for Ferach Lancers. All moral and skill levels should drop by one point per character/figure.

The minimum number can only drop to 1 and no lower.

If you play with a joker (or two) in the pack – you can add any number of unique encounters or surprises. For example a snow storm, a poisonous snake or a group of marauding Guerrillas travelling on the same road.

Game length

To vary the length of the game keep track of the number of Kings played. When the fourth King is played (what ever turn this is on) the Orcs are back in sight of the main camp and all character values are returned to normal. There should then be three more turns or drawn cards and the game ends.

Orc Section and Troop Types;

Foul Mouth Freddy
Veteran Orc Sergeant.
Armed with an Orc Bessie Musket.
Skill: Loud and Foul Mouth - Freddy has a coarse tongue and uses it often and well, In melee all mortal enemies suffer a -2 to their melee roll when fighting him. Undead are however unaffected.
Trait: Daisy Roots – Due to the size of his large previously-owned-by-an-Ogre boots Freddy gets +1 Impact when he wins in melee.
Flaw: Sauce – As per Flintloque 3rd Edition Rules.

Along with Freddy - Tricky-Dickie (very much like Freddy but a little quieter and one of the best ‘acquirers’ in the whole army of Albion), Blewitt and Lieghty are the main character models. They are all experienced and should have their skills/traits/flaws/magicke ability diced for as normal.

The remaining section of Red Coats should be diced for using the normal rules (or use an example section from one of the Alternative Armies publications). A maximum of 12 Orc Red Coats all armed with Flintloques and bayonets.


Obviously to get back to the Orc lines and camp as quickly and as safely as possible.

Award points for the following.

Soup Wagon arrives safely = 10 points
Freddy arrives safely = 5 points
Dickie, Lieghty and Blewitt arrive safely = 3 points each
Each Orc Trooper that arrives safely = 1 point each
Each She-Orc that arrives safely = 1 point each
Each Ferach Lancer killed = 2 points each

At the end of the game/scenario (when the fourth King is played plus 3 turns) count up the number of cards played. If the total number of cards drawn is more than the number of points scored - then you have lost the scenario, a draw is a draw. If the number of points is more than the number of cards drawn then congratulations you have succeeded.

Note: As with all Foul Mouth Freddy scenarios, Freddy cannot be killed, only wounded - after all we have many more adventures planned for our Hero.


Authors Note

It is possible to get back to the camp without encountering any Ferach Lancers as the threat should be seen as greater than an actual encounter. The scenario is based on an American Civil War wargame that I was involved in many, many years ago at a wargame club in Swansea University. The retreating Rebels were being pursued by a company of Union cavalry, but the Southern player did not know when or how many cavalry troops were going to appear. The game went on for many turns before the Union Commander realised that he was throwing a random dice rather than a standard D6 (a die role of 1 was required for the cavalry to appear). What I remember was the intense uncertainty of the whole Rebel group always watching over their shoulder for pursuit and although in this instance there was no actual fighting the memory of that game and the uncertainty stays with me to this day.

Over the last couple of years I have been playing with the idea of a true solo game, one that can be played on a simple piece of terrain with a small amount of figures as well as one that offers a real gaming challenge. As I wrote the Foul Mouth Freddy back-story the ideas and mechanics for this scenario just grew (hopefully not too much) and I developed the simple mechanic of drawing playing cards to decide on the type and number of encounters per turn. The possibility of a random game length, with the fourth King being drawn was a piece of inspiration and one that I feel will add to the excitement and uncertainty of not knowing how long the game will last.

The most difficult part was deciding on the number of victory points per goal. I wanted the objectives to be challenging, but also keep the suspense right up until the very last turn of the cards. I am convinced that the true goal of a great solo game is to keep the tension high and the number of possible outcomes varied. I hope that I have achieved both with this scenario.

Good luck with getting Freddy and the Wagon back to camp without any casualties while the real problems will occur when you try to explain the Soup Wagon to Wogan and Olde Nosey.


Webmaster's Notes

An Orcs in the Webbe Original! "Foul Mouth Divides the ****ing Loot" was written exclusively for Orcs in the Webbe's 2011 Advent Calendar and was first published on Thursday 8th December 2011.

Foul Mouth Freddy has been a huge hit with Flintloque fans ever since he first appeared here on OITW a few years ago, he has had several adventures published here on OITW as well as some on Alternative Armies online content portal Barking Irons.


Foul Mouth Freddy Will Return*

* Even if he got shot to bits, Freddy's lucky like that...


The Complete Adventures of Foul Mouth Freddy

"Foul Mouth Freddy Spikes The ****ing Gun"
See Freddy take on a heavy gun emplacement armed only with a squad of beer loving Dwarfs. "

"Foul Mouth Freddy Saves The ****ing Sheep"
Watch with wonder as Freddy finds true love in the Welsh mountains.

"Foul Mouth Freddy Fools the ****ing Ferach"
Can Freddy survive as a Ferach unit try and take valuable relics from an ancient tower which Freddy happens to using for cover.

"Foul Mouth Freddy Divides the ****ing Loot"
Freddy and his companions must retreat through hostile territory with a variety of loot 'acquired' from the pointy-eared Ferach B******s.

"Foul Mouth Freddy Scours the ****ing Town"
After a night of debauchery can Freddy find a variety of things he lost in a booze fuelled haze.

"Foul Mouth Freddy Speeds Through the ****ing Forest"
Freddy must race across the countryside on horseback past local bandits and the ever vigilante Provosts using only his wits and a **** load of bribes.

"Foul Mouth Freddy Sneaks Past the ****ing Guards"
After scouring the town and speeding through the forest, Freddy's quarantined camp is in sight. Can he return the items he 'borrowed' and get back to his tent before roll call at 12 Noon?

"Foul Mouth Freddy Takes ****ing Charge"
Having been busted to Private for his excursion to Burrow Port, Freddy must take charge of a green group of Provosts when they come under enemy fire on the way to his Court Marshal.

"Foul Mouth Freddy and The ****ing Kartoffenburg Mash-up"
Valon's loveable anti-hero returns once again to OITW, this time in a full 15,000 word novella, Freddy's biggest adventure to date!

"Monkey Business"
Foul Mouth Freddy and his group of Unlikely Heroes must sneak into the town of Atria searching for urgent supplies whilst Orc redcoats and Elf marines settle an old deep set grudge.